Far Cry 3 : The Novelisation
by FlossSwallower
Summary: Welcome to the wonderful island of.. Well, who in the world knows the name? Anyway, this brochure is sponsored by Crocodile Dundee! On this island, you will meet wonderful characters, such as : Vaas the Pirate! Little Jacob! A guy named Jason! And other interesting characters! Come to random island today, it's free, all you have to do is get stranded!
1. Chapter 1

(I love making novelizations of games, and Far Cry 3 is definitely an awesome game. Inspired by Flopsie's Fallout 3 Novelization. Fallout 3 is also an awesome game. I guess third times the charm, huh?)

CHAPTER ONE

The expensive, new video camera had been bought back in California. It took amazing photos, and took even better photos with a good photographer controlling it. The image on it was clear and vivid as it rolled by in the video. At the moment it showed a group of friends on the beach. They all raised their beers high and clinked them together, shouting out in joy. The image suddenly flickered and cut to another time. The sky was dark now and the camera was down on the ground, recording the sand and the ocean waves lapping against the shore.

"Hey, Jason? Jason, buddy, you all right?" a voice asked from somewhere out of few.

"I'm _fine,_" another voice grumbled.

"Well aren't you a fun drunk. Come on and get to bed, buddy," the first voice said.

"I don't _wanna!_" the second voice, whose name apparently was Jason, replied.

"Come on, come on. I'm not gonna let you pass out here on the beach. Whoa there, calm down!" the first voice said.

"NO!" Jason said.

"Hey, guys- Omygod, Oliver, are you all right?!" a third voice asked. The voice sounded female.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Jason just hit me. Now come on, buddy, let's go," Oliver said.

"Waiwaiwaiwait. Wait! Lemme ask you… Lemme ask you a question, Olly," Jason mumbled.

"What is it, buddy?" Oliver asked. The camera showed two feet walking by. One set was dragging itself across the sand.

"What if- What if- What if we-we all get captured by- by- by PIRATES! PIRATES! And-and, and then me, and, me and Grant, we-we-we ESCAPE! Except Grant gets SHOT! And-and-and, and then, and then, I fall down a bridge escaping, and Little Jacob, Little Jacob, Little Jacob SAVES me, and… And yeah.. And I become a ruthless WARRIOR! And yeah… And stuff," Jason said.

Oliver laughed and said, "Boy, I was wrong, you are a fun drunk."

The image flickered again and all of a sudden it was day time again, and the sky was speeding by as the camera fell through the air. Several figures free-fell below. The image flickered again and cut to a close-up of one of the figures free-falling. It was a girl. She said something that couldn't be heard over the wind.

"WHAAAT?!" the person who was controlling the camera yelled.

The girl yelled louder but still couldn't be heard.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, WHAAAAAAAT?!" the cameraman yelled.

"I SAID WE'RE BREAKING UP!" the girl shouted.

"OH….. Well, shit," the cameraman said.

The camera shut off and Jason looked up at the pirate who had been holding the camera.

"You know, you handled that camera very well. These are some sparkling clear videos," the pirate said.

"I know, right?" Jason asked, grinning at the pirate.

"Hey, I know a guy over on the east side of the island, he's a journalist, maybe you guys could, like, be a duo, you know, and record all the wacky adventures that happen on the island!" the pirate said.

"Sounds grea-

"Will you both shut up?! YOU'RE A FRICKING MURDERING, FOREIGN, PSYCHO PIRATE, AND YOU, YOU'RE A TEENAGE HERO MADE TEENAGE TO APPEAL TO THE YOUTHS, YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO GET ALONG!" Grant screamed.

The murdering, foreign, psycho pirate turned his head towards Grant, then back towards Jason.

"Jeez, what a jerk, huh?" he said.

"I know, right? Total party-pooper," Jason replied.

"SHUT UP!" Grant yelled.

"Fine, we'll shut up, Mr. First-One-To-Die," the pirate replied.

"Wait, what?" Grant said.

"Forget it. I just came here to make you desperately miss your loved ones and show off the fact that I'm stealing your camera. You guys can go though, I just want the camera," the pirate said in his evil, murdering, psycho pirate foreign accent.

"You evil-doer!" Jason shouted.

The pirate giggled like crazy and skipped off. Jason looked back at Grant and said, "We've got to stop that crazy-man!"

"I know. Good thing while he was showing you your own vacation videos I untied my binds," Grant said, and his hands fwooshed out from behind his back, the ropes falling off.

"Wow! That's a really cool trick, you've got to show me how to do that!" Jason exclaimed.

"Yeah, I learned it in the Army," Grant replied, and crouch-walked over to Jason and untied his binds. Jason pulled his hands out in front of him and stared at them in fascination, turning them upside down and in every direction.

"Wow… It feels like I've never even seen my hands before," Jason said as he continued to stare at his hands. Grant looked him up and down.

"Hey, are you on drugs?" he asked.

"Well, I dunno, there might still be a little left in my system from last night bu-

"Never mind, let's go. Oh, wait, the key. Put your hands back behind your back and pretend they're tied again," Grant said.

"How do I do that?" Jason asked.

"Here, let me show you, I learned it in the Army," Grant said, and showed him.

"Thanks," Jason said.

Grant nodded and put his own hands behind his arms, then whistled. The guard came over. Grant quickly jumped up, grabbed him, and knocked him cold.

"I learned that in the Army. Now let's go," Grant said, taking the key from the guard and unlocking the door. Jason immediately dashed out.

"I'M F****NG OUT OF HERE!" he shouted as he continued to dash off.

"WAITASECOND!" Grant yelled and put his arm around Jason's neck.

"How did you catch up with me so quick, I was practically dashing away!" Jason said.

"You were dashing away, as the author clearly stated, and as for your question, I learned it in the Army," Grant said. "Now crouch down so you are instantly a ninja and let's go," he added, and the two crouched down and began to waddle forward.

"Alright, we're almost out of here, now-"

Blood suddenly spurted from Grant's chest as his eyes continued to stare blankly into Jason's. The ex-soldier suddenly fell down to the dirt.

"GRANT! NO!" Jason cried. The two had almost escaped after successfully sneak-waddling throughout the pirate base. They were practically out of there already. Jason turned to see who had shot his friend. Above the tunnel they'd just exited (After much complain from Jason about possible bugs and rodents) stood a troupe of pirates. At the front was the pirate from the cage at the beginning of this parody story. He now wore a name-tag that said "HELLO, MY NAME IS : VAAS" on it. He laughed manically.

"NO, GRANT! GRANT! DON'T DIE ON ME, GRANT!" Jason cried. He balled up his fist, reared it back, and punched Grant's wound as hard as he could. He then balled his fist up again, reared it back, and punched Grant's wound again. He continued to do this.

"STOP-PUNCHING.. ME!" Grant gurgled through spurts of blood coming through his mouth.

"I'LL SAVE YOU, GRANT! I'VE JUST GOT TO KICK THIS BULLET'S ASS!" Jason yelled and continued to punch the wound. He kept punching it, and punching it, and punching it, until finally his arm was tired.

"Are you done yet? Man, finally. Anyway, we're going to let you start running while we shoot at you with our horrible aim, or you could just hand over the camera," Vaas said.

"NEVER!" Jason cried defiantly.

"Give him the camera, you idiot!" Grant gurgled.

"YOU KILLED MY FRIEND!" Jason screamed.

"I'm still alive, you buffoon!" Grant gurgled once again. Jason stood up, clenching his camera tightly in his bloodied right hand, and began sprinting.

"WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME, I'M STILL ALIVE!" Grant gurgle-yelled back at Jason as the protagonist disappeared into the jungle. Bullets chased the poor teenager as he sprinted, flailing his arms about to show he was going as fast as he could to all the viewers at home. After finally escaping the jungle, with the bullets somehow still right behind him yet with no pirates in sight, he found a bridge.

"JASON, I'm alive, I managed to find a way over here while the pirates were busy shooting at beer cans and throwing a bullet or two your way every now and then, but we've got to get out of here qui- WAIT, YOU IDIOT, NO, THIS BRIDGE ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF U-"

The bridge suddenly collapsed below Jason as he sprinted onto it. He began to fall downward, in a downward motion, moving down, going down, going towards the bottom, falling into a vertical direction that was not upwards, falling in such a fashion that would cause him to go downwards, his arms flailing once again as he went down. Despite the fact that he'd normally be probably badly injured from falling from such a high height, or even killed, he landed in the water safely, breaking no bones at all from any pressure. He then decided to take a nap.

Jason awoke in a bed, his eyes slowly fluttering open to find a wooden ceiling above him and wooden walls around him. He groaned and looked around.

"Ah, I see you're awake," a voice with an accent said. Jason suddenly turned his eyes towards the voice.

"Little Jacob?" he weakly asked.

"What? No! My name is Darnell or some shit… I don't know, was it Derrick? Crap, what was it? Well, shit, blame the author, he can't remember horse for shit," Little Jacob said.

"Horse for shit?" Jason asked.

"Well, the author didn't want to say 'can't remember shit,' because then the second 'shit' would be right under the first 'shit', and besides, it'd sound stupid if I used the word 'shit' too much, I mean shit, you know? Shit, I just used it again. Well, shit, this certainly isn't a very PG-13 rated story is it? Hey, where'd you go?" Little Jacob asked, and looked around the room. Jason was gone. He walked towards the door and opened it and walked outside. Jason was over on the other side of the street, whispering to a lady and holding the blankets around him. He suddenly pointed towards Little Jacob and continued to talk to the lady.

"Come back here!" Little Jacob said and marched over to Jason. He grabbed him by the wrist.

"HELP! THIS GUY IS CRAZY!" Jason yelled as Little Jacob dragged him back into the shack.

"Now, listen-" Little Jacob began to say as he threw Jason down in a chair.

"Wait, what?" Jason asked.

"I said, 'now, listen- '"

"Sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying, I always had to use the subtitles in GTA," Jason admitted. Little Jacob grumbled and switched to his Far Cry 3 voice, which was much clearer.

"Now listen. You have dee mark of dee warrioah. It means I will help you find your friends if you help my village," Little Jacob explained.

"Wait, what do you mean 'mark of dee warrioah?'" Jason asked. Little Jacob pointed at the tattoo on Jason's arm.

"Oh, _this_? This was just a tattoo I got in college one drunk night! It's no mark of dee warrioah!" Jason said.

"Yes, it is," Little Jacob said.

"No, it isn't,"

"It is,"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"Nooowww, booyysss," a voice said and the two men turned towards the voice.

"Moooooommmm," Little Jacob whined at the middle-aged Jamaican lady.

"Now calm down. I'll let you play your little game, but try to hush it down a little bit, huh?" the woman said.

"Fine," Little Jacob grumbled.

"Oh, and get that silly paint off your arm!" the woman said.

"Mooooooommmm!" Little Jacob whined more persistently.

"Fine, keep the paint. Anyway, I've gotta get back to doing whatever it is irrelevant characters who only make a small cameo then disappear forever do in their spare time. You boys have fun!" Little Jacob's mom said, and walked off.

Little Jacob turned back towards Jason and said, "Anyway, like I said, you have dee mark of dee warrioah."

"The warrior," Jason corrected.

"What?" Little Jacob asked.

"The warrior. That's the correct way to pronounce it," Jason said.

"Oh, no, trust me, living on an uncharted island with barely any civilization whatsoever with practically none of it being American whatsoever, I know my English perfectly. This is not 'The Mark of the Warrior,' this is 'Dee Mark of Dee Warrioah.' I already gave The Mark of the Warrior to Claude," Little Jacob said.

"Don't you have any spare ones?" Jason asked.

"I gave those to Tommy and Niko. Anyway, enough references to other games, we'll get sued! What I was saying was you must help our village to receive our help! But it shall be a dangerous task! We, the Rakyat tribe, have a dangerous enemy," Little Jacob said.

"Who?" Jason asked.

"PETA," Little Jacob said ominously.

"PETA?" Jason asked.

"Yes! Why do you think there are so many tigers and other exotic wildlife roaming around with none of the pirates even minding at all? PETA is here!" Little Jacob said.

"Why do they want to hurt your tribe? You seem relatively kind, taking in a random man like this when, for all you know, he could be crazy or have rabies from being bitten by one of the many rabid dogs living on the island," Jason said.

"How do you know of this? Have you met these rabid dogs?" Little Jacob asked suspiciously.

"Nah, I just read the brochure. It's sponsored by Crocodile Dundee!" Jason said.

"Really? I did not know this! Is it good?" Little Jacob asked. After the two finished gossiping about Crocodile Dundee and his brochure, Jason said, "So what is my first task?"

"Go climb the old radio-tower. The wires are broken, we need you to fix it," Little Jacob said.

"How does that help the fight against PETA?" Jason asked.

"It doesn't. We just want it fixed because we like to look at it. After that, go wash the dishes and feed the tiger," Little Jacob said. "Now get to it!" he added.

"Fiiinee," Jason groaned as he got up from the chair and walked out.

Jason fumbled around with the wrench in the power-box, randomly pulling out wires and re-attaching them and snipping other ones. He suddenly lowered the wrench as a realization came to his mind. He had no idea what the hell he was doing.

"This is stupid!" he said, and tossed the wrench off the tower. It flew gracefully threw the air as Jason turned around and began towards the water.

"OW!" he heard somebody yell from below. Bullets suddenly sprayed the area around him.

"WHO THE HELL THREW THAT?!" the voice from below shouted.

"SORRY!" Jason yelled back. Bullets sprayed the area again, ricocheting off into the air and barely missing Jason. He sat crouched down on the catwalk, his hands over his head.

"I SAID SORRY!" he shouted. Bullets continued to fly by him. He began to waddle over towards the ladder, covering his ears from all the loud pinging of bullets ricocheting off metal.

"CALM DOWN, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Jason yelled. The shooter realized where his voice was coming from and changed his aim from the top level to the ladder Jason was on. Jason cried out and tried to skinny himself as much as he could, the bullets whizzing past him. Suddenly he felt a horrible pain in his arm.

"HOLY CRAP THAT HURT! OH MY GOD! F****ING SHIT ***** ****** ******* GOD ******** F***NG F***ER SNEAKY LITTLE JERK-FACED PIECE OF F***ING SHIT ASSHOLE ******!" Jason screamed madly. His injured arm swung off from the ladder so hard the force brought the rest of his body down off the ladder.

"HOOOOLLLLYYY SHIT!" Jason cried as he fell down through the air. His arms flailed out as they always did when he was falling, reaching desperately for something to latch on to. His arm finally caught a bar. It stung like crazy! His bones pulled against him as he suddenly bounced.

"OooooOOWWWWWW!" he yelled and let go before his hand would get ripped off, and started falling again. Luckily, he'd slowed down after he'd grabbed the bar, and when he hit the ground, it only hurt like hell. Jason moaned. Bullets suddenly flew into the ground by him.

"Aw, shut up with your shooting, you're a terrible aim!" he yelled.

"Awwww, maaaan," the shooter replied off in the distance, and the shooting ended.

"What happened exactly, again?" Little Jacob asked as he set the bullet down on the tray with his tweezers.

"I threw a wrench and it must have hit some guy. I started to climb down the ladder but he shot me in the arm and I fell," Jason said.

"You fell from a shot in the arm?! You wimp! You're supposed to be a video-game protagonist! You're supposed to be able to take twenty shots to the head without even caring, but one rifle butt to the head and you're out cold! You aren't supposed to get injured from one shot to the arm! That's too realistic!" Little Jacob shouted.

"Sorry," Jason muttered.

"You better be sorry, you little cupcake!" Little Jacob yelled.

Jason was silent, staring down with shame.

"Did you at least fix the watchtower?" Little Jacob said.

"Definitely!" Jason said. He'd actually paid one of the people in the village to do it for him. It'd been practically the last of his money.

"Well, good. You can forget about the dishes, you spent so long out there I just washed them myself. I also fed the tiger. But I do need you to go fetch me some flowers," Little Jacob said.

"What? Flowers? Why in the world would you need flowers?" Jason asked.

"They look nice, and the Rakyat tribe greatly appreciates all flowers," Little Jacob said. "Now go! Now!" he added.

Later that day, Little Jacob sat watching TV. He laughed along with the audience on the television.

"Oh, Lucille, you're so funny," he said, grinning at the TV. As it cut to the commercial he went to the kitchen to get some Gatorade. Suddenly he remembered Jason. Where the hell was that idiot? He'd sent him out to find those flowers hours ago. The idiot had probably gotten himself shot again.

Several, several miles away, Jason sat by a campfire. He thought of Little Jacob and laughed.

"Ha, ha. Sucker!" he said.


	2. Chapter 2

(By the way, since I completely forgot to say this last time, I don't own Far Cry 3. Anyway, hope you're enjoying the novelization! I've got two others going at the same time, so hopefully I'll be able to get to all of them! Leave reviews! I love me my reviews! BTW : Sorry if I forgot some stuff between the first taking over a pirate base to Daisy's capture, I just didn't remember any of that and skipped to Daisy's capture, since it's basically right after the fort capture thing I think, if I remember correctly.)

CHAPTER TWO

Jason aimed the pistol at a tree. He continued to aim for a few more seconds, perfecting his aim, making sure it'd be spot-on, that'd it hit it perfectly. He could always work on speed later. He slowly pressed down on the trigger.

BLAM!

Jason lowered the gun and looked over at the tree. Not a single mark! Man, he knew his hands had been swerving around like crazy when he'd been holding the gun and he couldn't keep it straight for shit, but he thought he might at least graze the tree!

"Well, I'll survive great out here what with all the pirates and all," he said and stuffed the pistol Little Jacob had bought him back at the village back in his holster, which Little Jacob had also bought him. He hadn't had much money when he'd first arrived at the Rakyat village. Jason scratched the bandage on his arm. It pressed down against his skin but still didn't help the itch underneath the bandage. Man, it itched so bad! He slowly pulled his hand away from the bandage, scratching as he did so, then picked up the bologna sandwich wrapped up in plastic foil he'd brought along with him. Mmm, boy, did he love bologna! Who didn't love bologna?

"Jason! There you are! I finally found you! After the incident on the bridge, the current managed to wash me up on the shore of a beach! I had to improvise with what I had to heal my wounds! I ran into a tiger! All I had was a stick! I killed it, but it bit off my hand! Good thing I finally found you, maybe now we can both find civil-"

Jason turned towards the voice just in time to see whoever had been speaking get run over by a passing Jeep. The body clung to the Jeep as it speeded off across the bumpy dirt road.

"Hmm. Wonder who that was. Probably just some weirdo," Jason said, and went back to eating his sandwich.

The Jeep sped by again in the direction it had come.

"JAAASSOOONN!" a voice screamed from the Jeep. Jason looked back. The Jeep sped off into the distance again. Now it was getting a little odd. The same Jeep had passed him by two times. Suddenly the Jeep appeared again, yet this time it stopped abruptly and quickly. A body flew off the front into the distance from the abrupt stop. Little Jacob and a few Rakyats stepped out.

"There you are, Jason!" Little Jacob said. "Get him, boys!" he said, and the Rakyats stepped forward.

"F*** YOU!" Jason yelled, jumping up and beginning to run.

"I said get him! Don't let him get away, he's our protagonist!" Little Jacob ordered. His two goons tackled Jason before he could leap off of the edge of the cliff that was by the road.

"Lemme go! You guys are insane! Lemme go!" Jason yelled, struggling against the Rakyats strength.

"Tie him up and throw him in the car! Then go get some flowers for me! AND I WANT THE MOST RARE F***ING FLOWERS YOU CAN FIND, LACKIES!" Little Jacob ordered. The Rakyats tied up Jason and threw him in the Jeep as instructed, then jogged off to go flower hunting.

"What are you going to do to me?!" Jason asked, staring in horror at Little Jacob as he scooted back to the other end of the seat, as far away as he could from the minor character of GTA IV.

"What?! Nothing! What the hell are you talking about, you pervert! You're the protagonist! We just want you to help our village!" Little Jacob said.

"Never!" Jason said.

"Why?!" Little Jacob asked.

"Because you insulted my protagonist skills and how well I can take a bullet! And because the author is a little pissed at himself for making so many typo's in the last chapter! And he wants to say sorry! And he wants to say he'll try better at not making ty-"

"What the hell are you doing?" Little Jacob asked.

"What do you mean?" Jason replied.

"What the hell are you doing? What's with all this author shit? Can't the lazy bastard just put it in parentheses at the top of the chapter?" Little Jacob asked.

"I dunno, maybe he thought it'd be funnier this way," Jason said.

"Well, he's a dumbass," Little Jacob said.

"I know…. Anyway, NO, I WON'T DO ANY WORK FOR YOU AND YOUR RATBAT TRIBE!" Jason cried.

"It's 'Rakyat', not 'Ratbat'," Little Jacob said.

"SCREW YOU AND YOUR RATBAT SHIT!" Jason yelled.

Little Jacob thought for a moment, looking Jason up and down, then his arm shot out from his side and he snatched the camera clipped to Jason's side.

"Hey!" Jason said.

"Unless you help our tribe, you aren't getting this camera back!" Little Jacob said. Jason gasped.

"You're just as evil as Vaas!" Jason said.

"Nope. You can see by the fact that I'm Jamaican that I can't be a bad guy. Everybody loves Jamaicans," Little Jacob said.

"Yeaaaah, I'm sorry, brohug?" Jason replied.

"Brohug," Little Jacob said, and he brohugged Jason, then said, "So will you help my village?"

"Fine, I'll help your village. But can I have my ca- MAN, AUTHOR, STOP WITH THE TYPOS- mera back?" Jason asked.

"Here you go," Little Jacob said, and clipped the camera back to Jason's belt.

"Can you untie me, too?" Jason asked.

"Not till we get to our destination," Little Jacob said.

"Fine…." Jason said glumly.

The Jeep stopped slowed down and stopped in the dirt.

"Hey, wake up!" a voice said. Jason's eyes fluttered open and he looked around. He saw a Rakyat sitting by him in the back seat. He studied the Rakyat for a second, then realized something.

"Isn't that kind of a cliché?" Jason asked.

"What?" the Rakyat asked.

"You know, you guys wear blue clothing, those PETA guys are all wearing red," Jason said.

"Huh! Why, I never thought of it that way! Oh, Jason, you never fail to amaze me. You are quite the interesting pupil. Someday I will teach you my ways," the Rakyat said.

"And what are those ways you speak of, O wise and mysterious Rakyat?" Jason asked.

The Rakyat pumped his shotgun and said, "Killing animal protection rights organizations. Now, let's go!"

The Rakyat jumped out of the Jeep and Jason tiredly sat up and scooted himself out. Little Jacob cut the binds behind his arms. He pulled his arms out from behind him and looked at them in amazement and wonder, twisting them around, upside down and sideways, looking them all over.

"My hands never fail to amaze me," he muttered.

Little Jacob looked Jason up and down and asked him, "Are you on drugs?"

"Why do people keep asking me that?! I mean, sure, I found a marijuana plant while I was wandering around in the jungle after I escaped your tribe place, but it's not li-"

"Forget it. Just go in the campground," Little Jacob said.

"Why?" Jason asked.

"Because of the mission!" Little Jacob said.

"What mission?" Jason asked.

"I explained it on the ride over!" Little Jacob said.

"Oh… Well, sorry, I was kinda asleep," Jason said.

Little Jacob groaned and said, "This is a PETA campground. We are here to take it over and control some land for the Rakyats. Oh, and we also believe one of your friends might be here, never know," Little Jacob said.

"My friends? Which one?" Jason asked.

"Daisy," Little Jacob said.

"Aw, she was always a bitch anyway," Jason said.

"Jason!" Little Jacob said strictly.

"Fiiine, I'll go save her," Jason said.

"Good. Now, you can either sneak into the base and stealthily kill off the people inside, pick them off from a distance, or- JASON, WAIT!" Little Jacob yelled, but Jason was already sprinting off with his pistol raised high, screaming out a battle cry.

"BIIIITTCCHHEEESSSS!" he yelled as he ran right into the base, firing his pistol off into the air.

"NOOOOO! SAVE THE AAANIMALLLSS! QUUUIICCCK!" a nasally voice said as a skinny man flamboyantly leaped upon a goat, covering it with his body.

Bullets whizzed past Jason's head as he shot bullets off into the air, sprinting through the campground and screaming out his battle cry.

"JASON, STOP!" he heard Little Jacob yell from behind him.

"BIIIIITTTTTTCCHEEEESSSS!" Jason shouted. A PETA employee suddenly appeared in his path and said, "Noooo! Staaawwwppp! Save thuh animaaaalllsss!"

"RAAAAAAAHHH!" Jason screamed as he lowered his head and rammed it right into the PETA employees stomach like a bull.

"STAAAWWWPPP!" the PETA employee yelled as he clung to Jason's head.

"RAAAAAAAH!" Jason continued to scream as he rammed forward across the dirt road towards the central shack.

"STAAAWWWWPPP! YOU'RE SCARING THE AAAANIMMAAALLSSS!" the PETA employee cried.

Jason crashed right through the weak wall of the shack, then stopped, the PETA employee falling from his head, unconscious.

"Jason! What the hell did you just do?!" Little Jacob panted from behind Jason, out of breath from trying to catch up with the protagonist.

"She's not here!" Jason said.

"Well, no shit, Jason! Why do you think I offered to do it stealthily? They probably already carted her off miles away into the jungle! Man! What were you thinking?" Little Jacob asked.

"Thinking? PFFFTTTT, that's for wimps," Jason said and began to pace around the shack.

"Well, you basically just ruined your safehouse, unless you like big gaping holes in your walls. This is our new base, and this is your new home. You can stop by here whenever you like," Little Jacob said.

A groan suddenly came from the PETA employee. Jason turned his gaze towards the man. He crouched down and grabbed the PETA worker by the shoulders and pulled his face up to his own.

"Why are you doing this, you sick bastards?" Jason asked.

"To saaave thee animaaaalsss!" the PETA worker whined.

"I SAID WHY?! WHY ARE YOU KIDNAPPING MY FRIENDS?!" Jason asked.

"Oh, that? Oh, that's just because we're evil demons, silly! Well, not even demons, we're just terrible people! We want revenge because you bastards are eating meat! OUR MEAT! THE MEAT WE ARE TO USE TO FUEL OUR MOTHERSHIP!" the PETA worker said.

"Little Jacob… Go get the steak," Jason said. Little Jacob looked down at Jason.

"Are you sure, Jason?" he asked.

"I'm sure," Jason said. Little Jacob noticed he said this with an accent similar to Vaas's. An evil, psycho pirate foreign accent. He didn't really care about the evil, psycho pirate part, he was just jealous as hell of that accent. I mean, man, that must get all the ladies!

Glumly, Little Jacob stalked off, his mind storming with thoughts of how he could possibly get that accent, while Jason stared at the PETA worker.

"What do you plan to do with my friends, you heartless beast?" he asked.

"We plan to sell them for ANIMALS. ANIMALS TO KILL, TO FUEL OUR SHIP, MWAHA, MWAHA, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA," the PETA worker cackled.

"Little Jacob! Hurry up with that meat!" Jason yelled.

"Well, I've told you my plans. Why do you wish for the meat?" the PETA worker asked sinisterly.

Jason leaned up close to the PETA worker, looking him right in the eyes.

"You're going to eat it," he said.

The PETA worker gasped.

"NOOOOO, IT WILL MELT MY SKIN!" he screamed.

"That's the plan," said Jason.

Little Jacob entered the shack through the big gaping hole, a large piece of steak dangling at his side.

"NOOOOOOO! NOOOOO!" the PETA worker hissed. Steam rose from his body, his eyes bulged out of his head. He bared his fangs at the two, getting up into a crawling position. He hissed once again at the two, then dash-crawled out. Little Jacob and Jason watched the PETA worker escape from camp, frightening several Rakyats as it passed by them.

"Bastards," Jason said, and stood up.

"Listen, Jason, it's all right. Even if we didn't find your friend, we scored a win for the Rakyat tribe. It makes you feel proud, does it not?" Little Jacob asked.

"Nope. I don't really give a shit about you guys, I just want to kill Vaas. THAT BASTARD KILLED MY FRIEEEND!" Jason cried.

"JASON! I'M ALIVE! I got hit by that Jeep earlier, but thanks to a random kind tribe, I was fixed up! I found a boat to get out of here, but we've got to go qui-"

As Jason and Little Jacob turned towards the voice, a lion randomly pounced on however must have been speaking. A couple of Rakyats quickly killed the lion, but it died atop the speaker, so he could not be seen.

"Anyway…. Well, don't you also care about your little brother Riley? And your other friends?" Little Jacob asked.

"I dunno… Oliver was cool, I guess," Jason said.

"See? You guys get along! You're a fun, wacky, jolly group of buddies, going on adventures together, getting stranded on islands and fighting sinister pirates! Preventing dastardly deeds from happening, fighting evil, stopping antagonists, oh WHEEEE, GUNG-HO AND AWAY!" Little Jacob said enthusiastically.

"Nah," Jason said.

"Well, shit, you little back-stabbing twerp, you can't just leave your friends on this hell-hole of an island, you've got to save them!" Little Jacob said.

"Wait a second, it just occurred to me, how did you know my friend Daisy's name earlier?" Jason asked suspiciously.

"WHADDAYA MEAAAAAN?! Anyway, I've found Daisy! She's a-"

"NOPE. Screw that, you're just going to send me on some wild goose chase, aren't you? Just gonna have me score another win for the Rakyats when it'll turn out she's not actually there?!" Jason replied.

"No, trust me, this time it's for real, Daisy is really at this guy Dr. Einharts or Earnhardts or- Well, just call him 'The Doctor.' He's taking care of her, she's there, trust me on this," Little Jacob said.

"Well, I'll go. But if she's not there, then… Then… Then I'll, I'll-"

"You'll what?" Little Jacob asked.

"I dunno, I expected you to interrupt me with a 'don't worry', you know, like they always do in movies and shit," Jason said.

"You cuss a lot," Little Jacob said.

"Oh, well holy shit of hell on a piece of plaster crap cock ass, I'm sorry as a shitter on drugs," Jason said.

"Sarcastic asshole," Little Jacob muttered.

"Sorry. Anyway, fine, I'll go to this Dr. Earnhardts, or Einhardts, or whatever," Jason said. "Stupid author keeps forgetting names," he added.

"Ow.. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow," Jason went as he limped up the hill. He'd ran into a bit of a cliff earlier. In fact, he'd ran over a bit of a cliff earlier.

Jason groaned and sat down in the dirt. Well, here he was, this must be the place. He looked up at the American/British-like household. It looked like it could have been made in the 20th Century, or even the 21st. What in the world was a house that looked like that doing out on some island off all maps? Did some American or British builders get stranded on the island and start a business? More importantly, why did he know this about houses? Feeling particularly un-manly, Jason stood up again and limped up to the house. He stepped up onto the porch, walked to the door, and knocked on it. Nobody answered. He knocked again.

"Aw, shit, Jacob, you asshole," Jason muttered. He began to turn around, then decided against it. He faced the door again, lifted his right leg up, reared it back, and sent it right into the door. The door collapsed and Jason walked through.

"Daisy!" he yelled.

"Jason?!" a voice said from upstairs. He recognized the voice. It was Daisy, kiddos! YAAAAAAAAYYY!

Jason jogged up the stairs, un-holstering his pistol and trying to hold it by his head like the cops did on TV. At the top of the stairs, he found a door. Again, following TV cop procedure, he first grabbed the door knob, aimed the pistol in front of him, then slowly opened the door, dramatically swinging the pistol around like a madman to try and find any signs of evil. Seeing nothing, he turned around the corner, and there, on the bed, was Daisy.

"Jason! What are you doing here?!" she asked.

"I came to rescue you, Daisy!" Jason said.

"Jason… You know I'm not single, right?" she said.

"Well, somebody sure has a high opinion of themselves. I just came to rescue you, now let's go," Jason said, grabbing her wrist.

"What in the world's going on in he-"

"HOLY SHIT!"

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

"JASON!"

"HOLY SHIT!"

"WHY DID YOU JUST DO THAT, THAT WAS DR. EARNHARDT!"

"Ooohhhhhhhhh"

BLAM.

"SHIT!"

"OOOOOhhhhhhh,"

BLAM, BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM Click.

"JASON, YOU IDIOT, STOP SHOOTING HIM!"

Jason suddenly lowered the gun and looked through the smoke at the bullet-hole-filled doctor lying down on the floor.

"JASON, YOU FOOL, YOU JUST KILLED DR. EARNHARDT!" Daisy screamed.

"Why, thank you, Captain Obvious! Crap! I didn't know he was the doctor! I thought he was a pirate!" Jason said.

"Then why did you keep shooting him after I told you he was Dr. Earnhardt?!" Daisy yelled.

"Warrioah instinct," Jason said.

"Ooohhhhh," Dr. Earnhardt moaned.

"Shit!" Jason yelled, and kicked the doctor in the face.

"JASON, YOU MANIAC, I SAID QUIT IT!" Daisy screamed.

"Sorry! Like I said, instinct!" Jason replied.

Dr. Earnhardt looked at Jason menacingly from across the table as he sipped his tea. Luckily, Dr. Earnhardt had still been alive, and they had managed to patch him up. Jason looked down at his own tea. Daisy looked at the two.

"Well, this is nice," she said, trying to cheer up the mood.

"Yes, good thing you patched me up or I'd be leaking out all this tea," Dr. Earnhardt spat out.

"I said sorry!" Jason replied.

"Sorry?! Sorry?! You say 'sorry' after shooting someone multiple times?! I DON'T THINK I ACCEPT YOUR 'SORRY'!" Dr. Earnhardt yelled.

"Everybody calm down! Jason here came to rescue me! He didn't know you had already rescued me, Dr. Earnhardt! I'm sure he didn't mean to shoot you!" Daisy said. She coughed after that, then hacked a bit, and wheezed.

"You choke on your tea?" Jason asked.

"No, you idiot, she needs her medicine, I'll be right back," Dr. Earnhardt said, and stood up from the table and walked off to the kitchen.

Jason sipped at his tea and watched as Daisy coughed and hacked and wheezed.

"_CACK!" _she went, and spat out a hairball.

"Gesundheit," Jason said.

Dr. Earnhardt came back with a Dora the Explorer lunchbox.

"Well, it appears she's out of medicine," he said, and turned his gaze on Jason. Daisy would have looked at Jason too if she wasn't hacking up another hairball.

"What?" Jason asked.

"Well? You _are _the protagonist, you should be the one to go get the medicine," Dr. Earnhardt said.

"Hey, I just got here, can't I rest for a while? I mean, at least let me sleep out on the gazebo. I love me my gazebo's," Jason said.

"So you think you can just peacefully sleep while your friend here is dying?" Dr. Earnhardt said.

"I dunno…." Jason muttered.

"Jason!" Dr. Earnhardt said strictly.

Jason looked at Daisy, then out the window at the gazebo. Then at Daisy, then at the gazebo. Then at Daisy, then at the gazebo.

"Just go get the medicine already!" Dr. Earnhardt said.

"Fine! Where is it?!" Jason asked.

"It's in the caves at the edge of the property. Go get some of the yellow mushrooms. Those are the ones we need," Dr. Earnhardt said.

"Fine," Jason said, getting up and walking out the door.

Jason jogged along through the grass. Stupid medicine. Stupid doctor. Stupid island. Ever since he'd gotten here he'd been treated horribly. Didn't those people feel any sympathy for him? It was tough being a protagonist! You never got to rest! Never got to pee! Always doing mission after mission, getting shot, getting roughed up, and at least most protagonists got some money or something for their quests, Jason wasn't getting anything! Man! It sucked to be a protagonist! Why couldn't he just be some goofy, funny, wacky, re-occurring character that everybody loves? Or be, like, the protagonist's adviser or something?

"Whoa!" Jason said as he tripped over something into the grass. He turned on his back and looked at what he'd tripped over. A boar. How had he not noticed that? And why was he sitting here, there was a boar right in front of him! Hastily, Jason got up and started running. He looked back and saw the boar running after him.

"Shit! Bad boar, bad boar, nononononononooo!" he yelled as the boar got closer. He looked forward again, yet this time he saw nothing. He just saw sky and water. So he looked down. Good, he was still on grass, but where had the rest go-

"WhhooaOOOAOAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed as he plummeted down towards the water. Bubbles clouded his vision as he crashed down into the water. He accidently swallowed up a bunch of water. He quickly swam up to the surface.

"Hwwwoooaaaaahhhhh!" Jason gasped, inhaling as much air as he could get. He looked up at the sky. Man, he'd fallen a long way. How the hell was he going to get back up? Oh well, the whole 'protagonist' deal would probably solve that. Jason started swimming. After a long, very spooky swim in the dark, Jason finally reached an open region of the cave. Jason's eyes had grown accustomed to the dark by now, so he could see much better. Vines went up and down the walls, some hung from the ceiling, and some just floated around in the water.

"Well, time to find some drugs," he said, and climbed one of the vines to a higher level. Man, he thought, the cave couldn't be more spookier. Might even be a sasquatch in here. Hah, that'd be really awesome. In fact, it would've been a really cool easter egg. Not enough video games had sasquatches. Wait, what was he talking about? Video-games? Easter eggs? What in the world was he talking about? Jason shook off his thoughts, and the water he was drenched in, and pulled out his flashlight. There didn't seem to be much in the cave. He thought there'd at least be some bandits, or a crocodile or something. Oh well.

Jason stepped forward, right onto a mushroom. Smoke poofed out from it, and hissed up into there. Accidently, Jason inhaled it.

"Whoa," Jason said, for probably the fourth time that day since the author can't think of any other words.

Jason stumbled back, crushing more mushrooms and letting more smoke into the air. He smelled the smoke. It wasn't like fire smoke, it was more like a gas.

"Whooaaaaaa," Jason said yet again, the gas filling up his vision. He kept sniffing it up. He turned around, and where just air and a 50-foot drop to the water should be, was Bob Marley. A giant Bob Marley.

"Bob Marley?" Jason asked. The Jamaican rasta star sat with his legs crossed in a Buddha-like position, one hand holding a cigarette in his mouth. He pulled it out from his mouth and puffed out smoke. It filled the cave. Jason coughed. He couldn't see a thing! Crap, that was some thick smoke!

"Continue on yah juhney," Jason heard the voice of Bob Marley say from somewhere. He looked around. The Jamaican was nowhere in sight!

"Dat's right, I'm outtah sight," he heard Bob Marley say, as if the rasta singer had read his thoughts.

A path cleared through the smoke, leading right from Jason and off into the distance.

"What the hell is going on?" Jason muttered, and began to follow the path.

"Ya got to get dee rocket-boots, mon," Bob Marley said.

"Where are these rocket-boots?" Jason asked.

"Ya got to find dem, mon," Bob Marley replied.

"Oh, Bob Marley, you're so wise," Jason said.

"YA GOT TO FLY, MOOOOOoooonnnn," Bob Marley said, fading out as the ground beneath Jason disappeared, yet Jason still floated.

"Find dee golden cat, mon," Bob Marley said. He sounded like he was far away.

"You aren't making any sense, Bob Marley!" Jason yelled, trying to be heard. Jason finally reached the end of the path. There was another path in front of him, but at the time there was a big gaping abyss in the way.

"YOUGOTTAFLYYYMAAAAN!" a voice shouted from behind, and Jason felt two hands underneath his arms, and suddenly he was being zoomed across. Jason looked up to see who was carrying him.

"Batman?! What the hell are you doing in my dream?" Jason asked.

"Don't cuss at Batman! BATMAN DOESN'T LIKE CUSSING! BAATMAAAN!" the famous vigilante shouted, and dropped Jason into the abyss.

"NOOOO! BATMAAAAN, SAVE ME!" Jason screamed, plummeting down into darkness until he could no longer see any light. He felt like he was falling through eternal darkness. Unending darkness. Non-stop darkness. 24-7 darkness. Forever darkness. Always dark land. Dark places. Places filled with shadows. Endless shadows. Shadows 24-7. Sha-

WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO-WHAM!

Dust rose high up into the air as Jason finally landed. He groaned as he sat up, then turned and there they were! The yellow mushrooms! Jason quickly pulled out his knife, walked over to them, cut off a few of them from their pod, wait, is it pod? Is it a pod of mushrooms? A clump? A school? Maybe a horde? A group? Well, it didn't matter. Jason stuffed the mushrooms in his pocket and started walking.

"BATMAN FORGIVES YOU!"

"WAIT, NO!"

FWOOM!  
All of a sudden, Jason was flying through air. He was out of the cave! He looked down. Water! Freedom! Air! Humanity!

Before Jason could continue to cherish the outside world, he crashed back down into the water.

"You found them! Good job, my boy," Dr. Earnhardt said as Jason handed him the mushrooms. Dr. Earnhardt suddenly looked at Jason's eyes and gave him an odd look.

"What, what is it?" Jason asked.

"You're eyes are quite dilated, my boy," Dr. Earnhardt said.

"Oh, I got kind of high by accident. Anyway, so give the medicine to Daisy!" Jason said.

"Oh… Well, I'm afraid while you were off busy having an acid trip, Daisy died!" Dr. Earnhardt said.

"Well, shit!" Jason said enthusiastically.

"I'm sorry, my boy," Dr. Earnhardt said.

"Oh well, she was a bitch! Wanna go get high?" Jason asked.

"Let's go!" Dr. Earnhardt said.


	3. Chapter 3

(Hope you guys enjoy the story so far! Leave reviews and stuff! I love me my reviews! BTW : Thanks to all the Swedish people reading my story! And Russians! Russians and Swedes –Is that an offensive term? Swedes? I apologize if this is, is Swedishman the right term or something?- are awesome!)

CHAPTER THREE

"Hey, you awake? C'mon, wake up, ya got missions and stuff to do!" a voice said in the distance.

A groan seemed to come from somewhere.

"C'mon, wake up! Protagonists can't just sleep all day! Wake up!" the voice said.

Another groan.

Suddenly, something infiltrated the wall of darkness enveloped around the mind, somebody broke the comfortable land of peace and quiet. It sent a feeling of awareness through the sleepy village, rising up the system to the brain, spraying acid on it and the eyes, causing the eyes to open and the brain to function. After its merciless attack on the eyes and brain, it pillaged the peaceful lands of the legs and arms.

Jason's eyes opened, and he groaned.

"Finally, you woke up," the voice said.

"You didn't have to kick me," Jason groaned.

"C'mon, get up already!" the voice said. Jason groaned again and pushed himself off the wooden floor and sat up. He looked around. The voice had come from Dr. Earnhardt, but that wasn't the surprising thing. The house was a complete mess! There was paint on the walls, there were potato chips everywhere, along with watermelon seeds, and some ash-like substance strewed all over the floor.

"Shit," Jason said.

"Yeah, you really got high. Now get up so I can give you your next mission," Dr. Earnhardt said.

"What? But I already saved Daisy," Jason moaned.

"Actually, you didn't, really. I mean, Daisy died after all. But even if you did save Daisy, you still have to save your other friends," Dr. Earnhardt said.

"Wwwhhhyyyy?" Jason whined and slumped back down to the floor and closed his eyes.

"Wake the hell up you lazy bastard!" Dr. Earnhardt said and kicked Jason again. "Man, you're the most pathetic protagonist ever," he added.

"I don't wanna be a protagonist, let Niko do it," Jason said.

"WAKE THE HELL UP!" Dr. Earnhardt yelled, and kicked Jason once again. Jason finally sat back up then stood up.

"What's your stupid mission?" Jason asked.

"I need you to go get some flowers and plants and stuff for me," Dr. Earnhardt said, walking off into the kitchen as he talked.

"What?! No! I'm tired of doing little chores and shit! That's all I've been doing lately! Fixing towers, fetching mushrooms, Little Jacob even asked me to wash his dishes and feed the tiger! No! Come on, I want a real quest!" Jason said.

"Well, fine, go save one of your friends, then, I don't need your help," Dr. Earnhardt spat back.

"Fine, I'm leaving," Jason said, and stormed out dramatically.

"OOWWWWW! GETOFFAME!" Jason screamed , furiously kicking at the crocodile and punching it, throwing water everywhere.

"SHIIITT, LEGGO! LEGGO ALREADY!" he yelled at the crocodile, but he seemed firmly latched to his leg. Jason tried again to crawl to the shore to get to his pistol but the crocodile kept him in the river. At least it was at the shallow part of the river, so Jason wasn't drowning.

"Jason!" he heard his walky-talky say. He picked it up and put it to his mouth.

"Little busy, Little Jacob!" he yelled.

"But this is important!" Little Jacob persisted.

"So is my leg! Crap! GETOFFAME YOU STUPID THING!" Jason shouted at the crocodile.

"Jason, there is a ship, it is called The Medusa!" Little Jacob said.

"I SAID I'M BUSY, LITTLE JACOB! THERE'S A CROCODILE ON MY LEG!" Jason shouted, this time at the walky-talky.

"Shoot it!" Little Jacob said.

"My gun is out of reach!" Jason replied.

"Stab it!" Little Jacob said.

"Oh," Jason said. He pulled out his knife and stabbed the crocodile a few times until the crocodile was dead.

"Thanks, Little Jacob. Anyway, what about Medusa?" Jason asked.

"_The _Medusa. It's a PETA ship. We believe in may contain valuable intel on Vaas and your friends," Little Jacob said.

"Won't there probably be pirates surrounding it?" Jason asked.

"Yeah," Little Jacob said.

"Well, shit," Jason said.

"You're supposed to say 'great'," Little Jacob said.

"Why the hell would I think it's great?" Jason asked.

"Because that's what the action hero's always sa- My God, you're not at all gung-ho. Just sneak in, alright? And don't get yourself shot too much," Little Jacob said, and turned off his walky-talky. Jason sighed and turned off his own, clipping it back to his belt. He walked over to the shore, sat down and picked up his gun and holstered it. He pulled out some bandages and started to cover up the wound the crocodile had given him on his leg. Bandages helped everything! Bandages were always the answer! That and duct tape, but Jason was more of a bandages man, duct tape was Chuck Greene's job. Ah, Chuck Greene, Jason thought, even now you inspire me to keep moving on.

"Hey, pass me that donut," PETA worker #1 said.

"What kind? Jelly or non-jelly?" PETA worker #2 asked.

"What the hell are you talking about?! Non-jelly, who the hell eats jelly donuts?"

"Me!"

"What kind of a sick bastard are you? Jelly donuts are disgusting!"

"They're delicious! Non-jelly donuts have no flavor!"

"Bastard, they're superb! You obviously have never tasted one!"

"I have tasted many non-jelly donuts in my day, what do you think I am, some sort of an amateur, I've tasted non-jelly donuts and I _hate _non-jelly donuts!"

"Jelly donuts are disgusting, you fool, they taste so bad!"

"They are delicious!"

"NO! You are not a true pirate if you eat jelly donuts, jelly donuts both taste bad and are for wimps!"

"FOOL! Non-jelly donuts are for wimps! You merely can't handle the jelly!"

"I can handle the jelly, I just do not wish to eat the jelly, it is like handling dog piss, you can handle dog piss, no? But would you willingly drink dog piss instead of Gatorade?"

"Gatorade sucks!"

"COME HERE, YOU BASTARD!" the PETA worker said, and leaped at the other PETA worker.

Seeing that he needed not waste any rocks to distract these two, Jason merely crouch-walked past the two PETA workers at the camp-fire. So far infiltrating the Medusa didn't seem so hard. Maybe he could just sneak in, get the intel, and sneak out! They'd never even know what hit them!

Jason walked behind the cover of another ship. Ha, he thought, I'm such a ninj-

Suddenly a PETA worker rounded the corner and stopped right in front of Jason. The two stared at each other, both of them trying to think of what to do. Finally deciding on a genius idea, Jason pulled out a rock and threw it at the guards face.

"Ow!" the guard said, and Jason lunged out, knife in hand. He quickly silenced the guard.

"Hey, what was that?" John said.

"Whaddaya mean?" Jon asked. The two were PETA workers.

"I thought I heard Jean say something," John said.

"Wait, Jean? I thought we were working with Jonny," Jon said.

"No, Jonny's working with Joan!" John said.

"No, that's Johnny, I'm talking about Jonny!" Jon said.

"OOOOOHHH, I thought you meant Johnny! Well, then, if Johnny is working with Joan, and me and you, Jon and John, are working together, then who's Jean working with?" John asked.

"Jonathan!" Jon said.

"No, Jonathan is the third person on Johnny and Joan's team!" John said.

"Not Jonathan, I mean Johnathan!" Jon said.

"Ah, yes, the Icelandic spelling of Jonathan!" John said.

"Well, then who-"

PEW, PEW.

The two PETA workers dropped dead. Jason looked around, making sure nobody had heard. Well, the silencers had been worth the money, but it just didn't sound as cool as it did without a silencer.

Jason finally started to climb up the catwalk to the last ship. He'd snuck through the entire place! Boy, he was even stealthier than he thought. Anyway, now all he had to do was get the intel and get out! He went all the way up the catwalk and entered the room that the intel was being held in. There wasn't much in the room, just boxes and crates, and one tabletop with a computer on top of it. Jason stood up and stretched his limbs, groaning as he did so. It wasn't easy to crouch-walk across an entire pirate campground. He shut the door and walked over to the computer, pulling out the chip inside it.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Crap, the alarm! Jason quickly put the chip in his pocket and ran over to the door and opened it. He vaulted over the bars and dropped onto a lower portion of the catwalk, then vaulted over them and fell down onto the sand and started sprinting as fast as he could.

"HEY, THERE'S THE LITTLE SHITTER! GET HIM JEAN!"

"Who, me?"

"YEAH, YOU, JEAN!"

"Sorry, I just thought you meant John, or Jon," Jean said.

"GET HIM!"

"Why?! Can't we just shoot at him?"

"THAT'S WHAT I MEAN, SHOOT AT HIM!"

"Why are you telling me this, you shoot at him too!"

"FINE, JEAN, GOD, YOU'RE SO ANNOYING, JEAN!"

"STOP CALLING ME JEAN!"

"BUT YOUR NAME IS JEAN!"

"YEAH, BUT IT'S LIKE YOUR GIVING ME F***ING ORDERS!"

"I AM GIVING YOU F***ING ORDERS!"

"F*** YOU!"

"F*** YOU, TOO!"  
"Guys, guys, guys, what's going on here, there's no need to cuss, you might frighten the animals, come on!"

"There's a guy escaping with our inte- Well, crap, now he's gone."

"Here you go," Jason said, handing Little Jacob the chip.

"You actually got it?" Little Jacob replied.

"Yeah, of course I got it, whaddaya mean?" Jason asked.

"I dunno, I just thought you'd get killed, I was going to get another protagonist," Little Jacob said.

"Well, I'm a bit tougher than you think, Little Jacob, and by the way, could you please decrypt the intel for me, now?" Jason asked.

"PFFT- Already did it. I'm just that smart. Anyway, it says that they've got your good ol' buddy Liza!" Little Jacob said.

"Liza? Really? Where?" Jason asked. He remembered Liza. She was the chick that broke up with him.

They're being held at-" The phone suddenly started ringing "- hold on, lemme take this call," Little Jacob said. He got up from his chair and walked over to the phone and answered it.

"Hello? This is he. Wait, what is happening? They're coming? Shit!" Little Jacob said, and slammed down the receiver. "Jason, PETA is coming to invade our village! We need your help!" he said.

"Screw you guys!" Jason said.

Little Jacob hesitated, then said, "If you don't help us, we won't tell you where Liza is!"

"Bastards!" Jason replied.

"Mwahahah, we are indeed very evil. Anyway, we need you to go to the PETA squad that's coming's campground and infiltrate their weapon cache! Blow it all up!" Little Jacob said.

"Shit, fine," Jason said, and walked out.

(Since the author doesn't really feel like writing out the entire attack on the PETA base, we'll just skip that)

The shack blew up in flames, setting the corpses nearby it all on fire. Jason wiped the blood on his hands off on his shirt and pulled out his walky-talky and said, "I did your stupid mission, Little Jacob. I kinda killed all the pirates here, too."

"Well, aren't you a good little protagonist?" Little Jacob replied.

"Now where is Liza?" Jason asked.  
"Y'know, I don't remember. Seriously, I'm sorry as hell, but I don't remember shit. I have a terrible memory, and I threw away the intel. Sorry!" Little Jacob said, and hung up.

"You little piece of s- OW!" Jason began to say, before he suddenly felt someone strike him in the back of the head. He turned around to see a PETA worker with his rifle raised, the butt towards Jason.

"What the hell, man, that hurt!" Jason said.

The PETA worker hit him in the head again.

"Shit, OW! QUIT IT!" Jason said.

"Crap, rifle butts are supposed to be a protagonists one and only weakness! Anyone got some knock-out darts?" the PETA worker asked.

"Me!" said another PETA worker, who walked over and handed them and a pipe to the first PETA worker. Jason rubbed his head while the PETA worker loaded the dart-shooter.

"Hey, listen, I'm really sorry about your head, I thought it'd knock you out immediately, sorry," the PETA worker said.

"It's fine," Jason said grumpily.

"Aw, now come on, don't be grumpy! Just because we're enemies doesn't mean we can't be friends! Come on, brohug?" the PETA worker asked.

Jason hesitated then said, "Fine, brohug," and the two brohugged.

"Great, now fall asleep," the PETA worker said, and shot Jason with a sleeping dart.

Jason's eyes fluttered open as they always did. His eyelids just loved to flutter, to flutter open, to flutter shut, to flutter open again. They aspired to one day be butterfly wings and to flutter all day long, whenever they pleased.

Jason tried to move his hands. They were tied. Again. He was in a wooden shack, with wooden walls and a wooden roof and floor, and two wooden chairs. One of them Jason was in and in the other was….. Liza?

"I see you've finally woken up," Vaas said in his evil, psychotic, foreign pirate accent. Man, that just made Jason quiver with jealousy. Vaas held a gasoline container in his hand. He poured it around the floor as he walked around, then splashed some right in Jason's face.

"HEY! NO SPLASHING EACH OTHER IN THE POOL!" the lifeguard shouted.

"Sorry," Vaas and Jason said simultaneously.

"Anyway, Jason, I suppose I finally caught you again, eh? Took me a while. You escaped my camp! That took some real guts, that took some real balls, Jason. As the great Tony Montana, who was obsessed with balls, once said, 'Ya gotta have balls.' Or something like that, hell, I don't remember, I haven't seen that movie in ages, I just remember he never stopped talking about genitals. But the point is, you've got some courage. So I'm going to kill you and your girlfriend, Jason," Vaas said.

"Um, excuse me," Liza said. Vaas turned around.

"What is it?" he asked.

"We broke up," Liza said.

"I don't give a shit," Vaas said. "My accent is too badass to make me care," he added.

"Why are you doing this?" Jason asked.

"Why the hell do you think, HOSTAGES, dumbass, I mean, I'm a modern-day pirate. It's not like I just go around robbing other ships, this is modern-day, man, I get involved in slavery, in drug trafficking, all that modern crime shit! Anyway, I also really want your camera, but I refuse to steal it from you because of honor. If you merely give me the camera, I'll let you go," Vaas said.

"NEVER!" Jason shouted back.

"Well, screw this funky scene, peace out, call me on the groove tube, soul brothah," Vaas said, and lit his lighter and threw it down onto the gasoline, then exited along with his lackies.

"Jason!" Liza screamed as the fire spread.

"Quit complaining!" Jason yelled back. He started to rock his chair from side to side.

"JASON, QUIT DANCING AND DO SOMETHING!" Liza screamed.

"SHUSH YOUR MOUTH, WOMAN, I AM DOING SOMETHING!" Jason shouted. The chair finally toppled over, Jason's face landed right in a streak of fire.

"HOLY SHIT, THAT BURNS, OH FRICKING DEAR HOLY F***ING SHIT OF **** ***** *****," Jason screamed. The section of floor below him collapsed, and once again, Jason was plummeting down into darkness. Except this time it was no acid trip.

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSOOOOOOoooo ooonnnn….." he heard Liza scream as she faded out. Well, she didn't just fade out, it was also kind of hard to hear her through all the wooden floors Jason was crashing through. The rope had already broken, and Jason was patting furiously at the fire on his face now. Finally, Jason crashed right down to the bottom and stopped. Also, the fire on his face had stopped. That was two good things that had happened in a row! Maybe his luck was turning. Jason stood up and looked around. There was wood, and fire, and that was about all. Just wood and fire. Oh, and concrete and stuff. Mostly concrete, actually, since this was the bottom level.

"I'm coming Liza!" Jason shouted and started running. He caught fire again as he went up the stairs, then yet again at the top of the stairs. Crap, the memes were right, he was the most flammable thing on the universe!

"Liza, I'm coming!" Jason shouted again as he patted out the fires on him while running. Man, it was so hard to see what with all the smoke and the fact that every part of the place that wasn't lit by fire was dark. Jason coughed and tried to hold his breath as he rushed through the burning-down building.

"LIZA, REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'M COMING? WELL, I'M DOING EXACTLY THAT, KEEP CALM, DON'T WORRY!" Jason shouted. He ran up another flight of stairs and across a narrow beam, through a doorway, up another flight o- Oh, who am I kidding, let's just say he ran into all kinds of dangerous stuff on the way. Eventually he made it back to the top room, kicking down the door and rushing in.

"Liza!" he exclaimed when he saw her.

"Jason *cough, cough* we've gotta get out of he-"

"BITCH, YOOOOUUUU BROKE UP WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he shouted as he rammed towards her as he did the PETA employer a chapter or so ago if my faithful readers remember.

"JASON, NO!"

He rammed right into her, carrying her with him, and crashed straight through the wall.

"BIIIIIIIIIIIITTCCHHHHHH!" he yelled as they flew through the air. He hadn't realized they'd been on a hilltop. The two began their speedy descent down through the air, Jason still shouting out his battle-cry, which went as so : "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH !"

It was a wonderful battle-cry, I'm sure.

The two crashed down to the ground, dirt and dust flying up high into the air as it always did in movies. Jason shoved himself up off of the crushed ex-girlfriend below him and looked around. It looked he was in a logging camp or something. Where the hell had Vaas brought him?

"HEY, THERE HE IS! GO GET HIM!"

"Oh, are you serious? Are we really going to have this problem again with the 'go get him', seriously?"

"Well, Mr. Likes to Use the Word 'Seriously' a Lot, why seriously don't you seriously just get him, seriously?"

"What do you expect me to do? Run after him? That's dumb, we can just shoot him!"

"That's what I mean, shoot him!"

"Then why did you tell me to 'go get him'?"

"Ju- P- Beca- JUST SHOOT ALREADY!"

"This again? Seriously, guys, stop bickering. What are you even bickering about?"

"That gu- SHIT! HE'S GONE AGAIN! MAN, HE'S A F***ING NINJA!"


End file.
